2011… I wasn’t in the best possible shape at that time, with me looking for a new job, setting my finances straight, taking care of Alli, making plans for our future and yes letting go of an old flame.
Things were never easy but I always find reasons to smile and be thankful of as slowly take my journey…between making ends meet, volunteering, helping friends and helping me.
I always know I have little but of what little I have, I find it amazing how a half of my noodles or bread could mean so much to someone, how a little kind word could mean great love to an enemy, how a simple ear and shoulder could make things lighter for a friend, how a smile or hug could brighten up someone’s day when everything in their life is caving in. A friend even told me once that she finds it amazing how much time it would take me to get to her station. Two-three minutes walk would turn out to fifteen minutes as I take time to great everyone I know and ask how they are.
I was just being me but in the process I neglect what was ME. I remember how someone loves his coffee but I couldn’t worry much about mine. I know how someone loves anime and how much we’d talk about it but I forgot how much I love Voltes V, Fushigi Yuggi or Daimos, or how someone wants a certain dish and taste but I wouldn’t mind eating cold meal. I would see people for who they are but not me. I worked day in day out neglecting sleep, eat cold or fast food meals and most of the time I would eat while I work or walk through my day.
Don’t get me wrong…all these things..the GIVING makes me HAPPY. A simple hi or smile from a stranger can brighten up my day. I know how to enjoy the simple pleasure of having the luxury to sleep, walk slowly without rushing and just take time. But somehow out of my complicated mind I lost these simple pleasures…I lost track of what I want for me not because I have to do it for someone.
A wise friend told me that at times our kids/someone we love prevents us from doing what pleasures us. I told him NO…they keep us rooted, help us decide what’s right and keep moving forward in the right direction. Sometimes I doubt this but I know by heart that in finding me, the real me that GOD wants me to be, it requires bigger responsibilities. This means never neglecting what we NEED to do before what we WANT so each achievement would mean sweet songs of success and not a hint of bitterness can be savor. We simply need to find out who we are, understand ourselves and become the best person we can be before we can share or give out our selves to any one.
Someone dear to my heart asked me once…”what do you want?” I said “A big house, big car, my own Island in the Carrebean..” I couldn’t lie or tell him the truth and what wanting means to me.
I want a house but I need a home, I want someone to spend the rest of my life with but I need someone who’ll stand and stay with me till the end and never give in or give up, I want all the resources I need to make Alli’s future great but I need to be there and be her mom, her friend, her strong hold until she can have her own life.
I have gone through so much rework and re process that I lost count of it… but for each roller coaster ride I took… I learned, I gained new insight and grown a little bit wiser and stronger. One liner like “been there done that” “what couldn’t kill me can only make me stronger” “been through hell and made it through” “keep faith” “keep smiling” are some of the thoughts I gained. I am not much proud of what I need to do or go through but I WAS NEVER ASHAME of it as it made me who I am now.
As I go through these series of never ending life’s quest, I made a lot of friends , lost some and what hurts me the most…hurt a few of the people I LOVE.
To those I took for granted, those I said NO cause I don’t want to hurt them and to that someone I love but couldn’t truly give what he needs…my sincerest apology. I hope we can all still eye to eye and speak of happy times, laugh about the chaotic roller coaster ride I took you with and at least be friend.
The same person who’s dear and special to me asked why I always wish idealistic happiness for all but never for me…the thing is I do. I just couldn’t tell anyone because it’s something I treasure the most and wants to keep close to my heart. I want to cherish each thought within me as am afraid it might lose its magic.
…I want lasting peace, happiness, joy and LOVE. I may not be what I want to be and what I want to have at this time..at least not YET but I know I will get there soon.
Right now am just happy having the opportunity to continue my life’s journey and tackle each challenges as my best allies in shaping the true me. I love each little steps I made and cherish them as overwhelming success because I know that these are the building blocks I need to get where I want..someday soon.
To ALL who was there for me…THANK YOU SO MUCH for you have all been a part of this wonderful ROLLER COASTER RIDE!!!
LIVE, LOVE…enjoy the PRESENT!!!